Lifestyle. Mental Health. Adventure

Monday, 21 January 2019

Sometimes I Just Don't Know

Hey there Sugar Plums!

I didn't quite intend on the mini hiatus here, but a mixture of working some intense hours throughout the past few weeks, being exhausted when I've got home and feeling a little distracted mentally has meant my days have pretty much consisted of waking up, going to work, coming home, making tea, going to sleep, and repeat.

That and I've somehow developed a cough again so I've been ill for what feels like the 84683644th day in January now, so blogging has just not been a priority for me over the past couple of weeks!

Because of said intensity at the office, I built up enough Flexi time to be off on Friday.  I started off feeling so happy in the morning to have a long weekend, but slowly throughout the day, my mood got lower and lower.  I wouldn't say I felt sad, or depressed, but I felt distracted, and really, really anxious.

Why you ask?

I don't bloody know!!!

More often than not, I know why I don't feel happy, and can pinpoint a clear trigger as to why my anxiety is on high alert.  An upcoming meeting or interview, a driving lesson, a family event that I may not necessarily want to be a part of.  Life is pretty sweet at the moment though.  I don't have tonnes and tonnes of plans taking up my weekends so I'm actually having some down time after a hard week at work.  Although work itself is busy, I'm quite happy where I am and putting the extra work in to build up that Flexi, and I haven't had a driving lesson come up to feel anxious about because I've been ill.

If anything, I've been able to spend loads of time with Spencer, been getting plenty of sleep, been reading loads, got lots to look forward to with friends and family, and had an amazing weekend away with my sister last weekend to look back on.

Yet, despite taking all of these things into perspective, I just didn't feel great.

When it comes to depression and anxiety - conditions I'm quite open about suffering with - knowing why you feel so low is bad enough, but when you feel that darkness getting it's claws in to you with no apparent reason (Or not one that you can think of at least), to me, that's even worse.  It's the most frustrating feeling!

I mean, is it something in my subconscious that my brain is just not allowing me to think about or remember, or is it purely a chemical imbalance in my brain?  I just don't know.  Maybe it's both?

The feeling spread from Friday in to Saturday.  I racked my brain trying to think of what it could be, but I had nothing.  I was coming up high and dry.  As far as I could tell, I had no reason to feel so bleurgh, yet here I was, snapping at Spencer, feeling "oh woe is me".

During times like this, I really feel the guilt.  There are people out there with real problems.  Living in poverty, PTSD, hunger; people even live not knowing if somebody is going to break in to their house one day and kill their entire family.  Extreme, but in some countries that is very much people's realities, and yet, here I am feeling sorry for myself when I have what appears to be no reason too.

I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, trips and events to look forward to with some of my favourite people, and I'm surrounded by people who love and support me.  It almost feels like I'm insulting those who truly are suffering.

Now, I know that that's not how depression and anxiety works.  I know that they can come out to play whenever they wish, and without much reason to as well.  I think as I become more and more aware of my mental health though I question times like this more.

Looking back at previous times I've felt like this, this time has been pretty mild in comparison, and I think that is down to the fact that in the past month I've started journalling.  I have a few that I'm using at the moment just to experiment and see which style I prefer working with, but so far they've really helped me to make sense of my thoughts both in the morning and the evening.  I'm going to talk about my journals in a separate blog post, but for now I'll say that so far they have really been worth the investment.

This has ended up being a bit of a waffle, but I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head.  Mainly because I want to know if anybody else ever feels like this too?  And if so, how do you cope with it?  How do you pull yourself out of it?

I've found writing things I'm grateful for each day, no matter how small really helps me, but I'm open to other suggestions.  Anything that helps.  Or maybe I need to start accepting that I feel that way sometimes and just allow myself to feel it?  Embrace it I guess.

I don't know.  What do you think?

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