Learning to Live a Life of Less

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

Guess Who's Back...

Hands up if you started singing Eminem in your head after reading the title of this post!

This is just my borderline cringey way of breaking the ice on this blog after disappearing off of the face of the earth for seven months.

I've been back and forth with the idea of writing on this blog again.  In fact, I have written a couple of posts over the course of the past seven months, but then deleted them again, not knowing if blogging was really the right path for me.

I've been on a bit of a wild ride mentally over the past almost two years now since losing my Mum.  The sudden loss of her was a huge awakening for me.  It brought to light just how bad my mental health was (Sometimes still is), and as a result I've been figuring out what my triggers are, and what I need to do to make things easier on me.  I'm still figuring all of this out, but I think I'm slowly getting there.

I needed to take a big step back from blogging, social media, everything in order to really help me figure out what I need to do to get back on the road to happiness.  If I'm honest, I find social media to be really toxic for me personally at times, and I spent months and months blaming that on the other people on social media.  There's no denying that there are toxic people on the likes of Twitter, Facebook and Instagram in the form of trolls and keyboard warriors.  It's only recently though that I realised that the problem was actually me...

The thing is, there will always be toxicity online.  Whilst ever people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, there's going to be toxicity.  What I DO have control over is whether I choose to spend my time absorbing that.  I'm not a confrontational person, so I never read the negativity online to start an argument with anybody (Plus I know that it's completely pointless to argue with a troll!), but I would sit, sometimes for hours reading negative comment after negative comment and feel myself seething inside.

The best part is that none of these comments were ever aimed at me!  So essentially I was getting angry on behalf of another person (Often somebody I don't even know!) who probably wasn't even reading the comments and didn't even care about what was being said about them.

On the flip side I could ( And sometimes still can depending on what headspace I'm in) lose hours of my life scrolling through Instagram at other people's highlight reels wishing I had the time, determination and drive to work as hard as they have to achieve what they have.  The ridiculous thing is that I've always had the time, I've just wasted it all wishing I had what they have instead of getting off of my back side, putting my phone down and getting on with it.

I'm not afraid to say that there is a form of addiction there.  I don't think I'm anywhere near as extreme as others.  Whenever I'm with friends and family I can go for hours and hours without even glimpsing at my phone, and when I'm at work my bag stays in my bag, out of my way so I have no distractions from my daily tasks.  I find the addiction is based around a form of escapism for me.  When I feel sad I escape by looking at beautiful Instagram feeds imagining I'm living the incredible life of one of the Instagrammers I follow, or when I want something to be angry about I turn to social media to find that thing that will fuel my anger.

See why I took a step back?

During this time I've been doing a little soul searching.  Is being an online creative type something I actually want to work on, or do my passions lie elsewhere?

I tried getting in to fitness for a while.  I really gave it my all.  The truth though?  I'm just not that in to it.  I don't want to come home after a long day at work and have to get changed in to my gym gear and sweat it out.  I walk a good couple of miles or so a day to get to and from work, so when I'm home I want to cook tea and settle down for the evening to work on the things I truly feel passionate about.  As much as I tried, that thing is not fitness.  I definitely need to work on my nutrition and exercise some restraint when it comes to sweet treats, and I reckon if I nail that I could really get somewhere with my weight loss.  I pushed and pushed myself to continue working out, but I was resenting it more and more, so for now, I'm putting that on the back burner.

Instead of doing things I was resenting using my time on, I've started filling my time with things I actually want to do.  I've started leaving my phone downstairs at night, and instead of scrolling on my phone just before I go to bed, I've been reading for at least 30 minutes in the evening.  I've got so many books to read, so it's amazing making the time to read them, plus who knew that leaving my phone downstairs would lead to me having a much better nights sleep?  Shocking I know!

I've also been catching up on YouTube most evenings and as a result have been discovering more people to watch.  I've started a new DIY project that I have loads of awesome ideas for, and if all goes well I will hopefully be branching out in to opening an Etsy shop again.

I always spent time on my phone believing that I was using it to look up content as a source of inspiration, when in fact I was just using it as a tool for distraction.  The inspiration has come from actually spending time away from my phone.

As the creative juices began to flow again, I found the want to blog and YouTube return again.  I have so much footage from our trip to Florida to edit, but I've been so worried about touching it in case I do a terrible job.  Now I can't wait.  I even want to weekly vlog!

Receiving Bloggosphere in the post this week was the final thing that made me realise I'm ready to come back in to this world.  I'm subscribed to Bloggosphere, so have been receiving the magazine for the past two years now.  Since the beginning of the year I've had no inclination whatsoever to read it, and have even been giving it away to people who are more likely to get use out of it than myself.  When I had a flick through the most recent copy though, I actually felt excited to get stuck in to it.  Creative Siobhan is making a come back!

This time though it's going to be on my terms, no matter how much it might hinder me growing as a blogger/YouTuber/Instagrammer/Whatever people refer to themselves as these days.  This time I'm going to write about what I want, when I want, with no pressure on myself based on what the "big bloggers" are creating.  I'll be staying away from Twitter because I really do feel that place is toxic.  In fact, my only social media account I'll be using is my Instagram.  I'm a really visual person, so it's my favourite place to keep up to date with people.  Most of all, I'm going to make sure I have fun with it.  I want to experiment more with photography, and create content I'm truly in love with.

I'm really happy, and really excited to be back.  I hope you'll join me and see where we end up...


Team O'Sullivan said...

Welcome back lovely, its so nice to see you blogging again. Just be you and blog about what matters to you, it doesn't matter if its not an 'in' topic or what the bigger bloggers are doing. Its your little part of the internet to do exactly as you please with. Looking forward to seeing what you create and I would love to see your Florida stuff too if you ever decide to get it on YT. Jane xx

Siobhan Emma said...

Awww thank you so much Jane! It's good to be back, and the Florida footage is definitely coming! I'm so excited to work on it now! xxx

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